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“25 Years of Charlotte Pride,” a guest post by Jordan Frederick

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I have never seen so many rainbows.

This is my first (admittedly asinine) thought as I stepped out onto Trade Street to find downtown Charlotte in the thralls of its annual Pride festival. It was 2013, and I had been invited to tag along by my then-coworker and friend Jenny to help paint faces at the PFLAG Charlotte family booth. I was equal parts excited and terrified.

I was excited because I love painting faces and, as a high school teacher, I couldn’t think of a better cause than raising awareness for the struggles of LGBT young people. I was terrified because my social anxiety comes out in full force when I’m in crowds, and there was absolutely no doubt in my mind as I walked further into the festival that this would be an introvert’s worst nightmare. There were thousands of people there, and as I stepped closer to Jenny where I could safely peer out from behind her back at the rowdy masses, I couldn’t help wondering what I had gotten myself into.

I needn’t have worried: once we made it to our booth, we were greeted with hugs and handed our paint supplies and assigned a table in the shade, and although scores of people poured past for the next three hours as we toiled over sweaty-cheeked children demanding butterflies, hearts, and (of course) rainbows, the atmosphere on the adjoining street was welcoming and positive and by the time our shift was over, I felt like we had hardly begun.

Jenny and I spent some time wandering the festival after we were relieved by the next set of volunteers. I was curious: until that day, I had never been around so many queer people in my life, and the experience was thrilling. Jenny – who had already been a member of PFLAG for a few years – literally and figuratively held my hand as we perused endless stalls selling pride flags, t-shirts proclaiming “Equality for All,” buttons with identifying pronouns, and jewelry in every color combination imaginable, each one specific to a group within the LGBT+ community. Volunteers with the Regional AIDS Interfaith Network (or RAIN) handed out free condoms while local churches passed out postcards reading “Jesus Loves You and So Do We.” All the while, I watched in wonder and thought what a beautiful thing it is to be any ally for such a vibrant community.

It’s been almost six years since I attended my first Pride festival, and quite a lot has changed since then. I’m a PFLAG board member now and a five-time parade participant, and rather than stand gaping on the sidelines, watching the festivities with the happy disconnect of a spectator, I am in the thick of things, manning booths and hugging passersby, standing between protesters hoisting signs big enough to act as a buffer against their bigotry. More importantly, perhaps, I am a proud asexual woman advertising my identity in my clever purple, black, and grey attire, scoping out the crowd for other “aces” to high-five.

But more about all of that later. Charlotte Pride itself has changed quite a bit, as well, and not just since I started attending six years ago. What has become the largest statewide event in North Carolina has a rich and vibrant history that deserves to be told. Its legacy stretches back to 1994 and beyond, and unless I’m very much mistaken, it will continue to reach its rainbow-colored arms well into the foreseeable future.

 

THE HISTORY OF CHARLOTTE PRIDE

Fifty years ago, almost to the day of my writing this, a routine police raid of a gay bar in Greenwich Village, New York City, incited a movement that would empower a generation. The bar was the Stonewall Inn, and June 28, 1969, was hardly the first time the establishment had been raided. There was no probable cause for the raid, no search warrants handed over upon entry; the officers who arrived at the bar that night were there because of the establishment’s reputation as a haven for the gay, lesbian, and transgender community, and in the eyes of the law, no other incitement was necessary.

There were roughly 200 people at Stonewall Inn that night, and when the police arrived with orders to clear out, most did as they were told. It wasn’t until officers began asking for identification, carting off cross-dressing individuals to the bar’s restrooms to verify their sex, and carrying out men and women in handcuffs that the crowd on the street called out for justice. Shouts of “Gay power” and “We shall overcome” rang out along Christopher Street, and those gathered began throwing whatever they could find at the officers emerging from the bar. The police responded with billy clubs in hand, and within minutes, the scene was engulfed in chaos.

America in 1969 was hardly a haven for the sort of people who called the Stonewall Inn “home.” Just over a decade earlier, then-President Dwight D. Eisenhower had passed a law banning gay people from serving in the federal government for fear that they would be a security risk. The adoption of the Model Penal Code in 1962 had technically removed “consensual sodomy” from the long list of crimes for which Americans could be prosecuted, but it would be years before comprehensive reform would reach every state in the nation. Much of the queer community lived in silence, afraid of persecution from their neighbors and their own government – but not for much longer.

One year after the Stonewall Riots, community members in New York City organized a march through the streets of Greenwich Village to commemorate the uprising, and in the years that followed, dozens of cities across the country began to follow suit. Parades and festivals became annual events mainly in urban areas with large LGBT communities, the start of what would become, for many, a beloved tradition and celebration of empowerment and solidarity.

Fast-forward 25 years. The city of Charlotte, North Carolina, was an up-and-coming urban center, a fast-growing Southern city with a booming population of emigrants from across the nation. Unsurprisingly, many of these diverse Charlotteans identified on the LGBT+ spectrum, and in 1994, they were looking for new ways to empower the queer community and raise awareness of the issues surrounding the LGBT+ population that they felt many of their heterosexual, cisgender peers were choosing to ignore.

Darryl Logsdon was a gay man living in Charlotte in the early 1990s, and he remembers a city not so very far removed from the conflict of Stonewall 25 years earlier. “Gay people were not just in the closet,” he said at a recent panel discussion commemorating the 25th anniversary of Charlotte Pride, “they were in the vault.” The late 20th century was still a period of marginalization for anyone brave enough to be “out,” a time when acknowledging your sexuality gave employers grounds to fire you and passersby on the street permission for harassment and, sometimes, assault. HIV/AIDS was the single greatest killer of men between the ages of 25 and 44, and the stigma of that disease reached all the way into the seats of government where politicians like North Carolina Senator Jesse Helms were fighting legislation that would provide funding for AIDS programs because, as he said a few years earlier, “We have got to call a spade a spade and a perverted human being a perverted human being.”

In the midst of these troubling times, a small group of LGBT+ activists in Charlotte decided that it was time to bring the North Carolina Pride Festival to the Queen City. Among these activists were Darryl Logsdon, Kimberly Melton, Sue Henry, and Dan Kirsch. Each had attended various Pride parades and demonstrations in other major U.S. cities and been amazed at the support they had found there, and after having a chance to attend the 1993 National Washington March, they decided that it was time to bring that experience to Charlotte.

Although Charlotte had hosted a handful of Pride-related events over the years, nothing on the scale of what this intrepid group of freedom fighters imagined for 1994 had ever been attempted. The first public Pride meeting in 1983 had proved that such a thing wasn’t impossible: 200 people had showed up for that event, and the organizers ran out of paper plates before day’s end. There was obviously a demand for a space where queer folks and allies could come together to demand equality and celebrate diversity; they just needed to make it a reality.

Logdson, Melton, Henry, Kirsch, and their team of planners put in a bid with the North Carolina Pride committee to host the annual event (usually held in Raleigh) in Charlotte, and the committee agreed to give the new location a try. The following months proved to be a testament to the power of persistence as the organizing crew prepared what would be the largest statewide event in North Carolina’s history. The theme was “Invisibility to Equality: Never Turning Back,” and it saw upwards of 3500 attendees flocking to the streets of uptown Charlotte for a week of workshops, church services, concerts, and parties. Comedian Lea DeLaria was the guest of honor, and the week culminated in a bright and boisterous dance at Founder’s Hall. It was, for all intents and purposes, a rousing success.

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Image: The logo for the 1994 NC Pride Festival and Parade which occurred in Charlotte.


THE FUTURE OF PRIDE

The years immediately following that first Charlotte Pride celebration were a whirlwind of hopeful progress for the queer community. For the first time in the event’s history, there was money left over after the bills had been paid, and the organizers set out to utilize those funds for the benefit of the community. Grants were awarded to help support (and in some instances, kick-start) burgeoning LGBT+ organizations like Time Out Youth, a local support and advocacy organization serving LGBT youth in the Charlotte area. It would be many years before marriage equality came to North Carolina, but in the meantime, Charlotte Pride was there to ensure that queer voices were being heard in the Queen City and beyond.

There were just under 4,000 attendees at that first Pride event; by 2017, more than 150,000 people from across the country would make their way to Charlotte to join in the various programs, festival activities, and Sunday parade that Charlotte Pride had become famous for. New additions to the schedule cropped up every year including the Reel Out Film Festival (an annual LGBTQ film festival featuring original documentaries and feature-length films), and as the event grew in popularity, sponsors like Bank of America signed on as corporate backers.

As they look towards the future, the original organizers of Charlotte Pride recognize that their work is not finished. For all the positive change that has come about over the last 25 years, America remains a nation governed by a president who supports policies that deny transgender Americans health care under the Affordable Care Act. The right to serve in the military while openly identifying as transgender continues to be a point of contention on Capitol Hill, and as recently as June 5 of this year, the Trump administration announced that it would be cutting essential federal funding for AIDS research at the University of California. Marriage equality may be recognized by the Supreme Court but hate crimes against transgender individuals – especially trans women of color – is on the rise in a country that prides itself on being “the land of the free and the home of the brave.”

But what is Charlotte Pride’s role in this nationwide epidemic of discrimination? Can one single event really hope to make a difference against an establishment that, 50 years after Stonewall, continues to deny basic rights to an entire community?

Logsdon, Melton, Henry, and Kirsch think it can, and I am inclined to agree.

Margaret Mead was once quoted as saying, “Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the word; indeed, it’s the only thing that ever has.” Darryl Logsdon believes that that kind of change comes from having uncomfortable discussions, from giving voice to those very issues that plague our country even when talking about them means stepping on the toes of those who would rather focus on the positive developments within the LGBT+ community.

“Change begins with hearts and minds,” Logsdon said, and it’s events like Charlotte Pride that help humanize a population that many in the United States would rather ignore. By lifting up the voices of queer youth at local panel discussions, encouraging dialogue within religious communities of all faith backgrounds, funding grassroots activism, and making Charlotte a safer place to be out and proud, Charlotte Pride plays a vital role in ensuring that the progress made by the LGBT+ community does not go unrecognized and that that same progress does not come to a grinding halt because of bureaucratic prejudice and bigotry.


REFLECTIONS AND CONNECTIONS

In the grand scheme of things, I have only been a witness to a very small piece of the rich history that is Charlotte Pride. It’s incredible to look back at this event’s humble beginnings and to revel in its growth over the last 25 years, especially because without Pride, I know that I would not be the woman I am today.

My first Pride experience turned out to be a symbolic linchpin in my own coming of age story. As I walked among the dozens of booths with my friend Jenny, shyly approaching one or two for a closer look and then hurrying off again before I could attract any attention, one booth in particular caught my eye. The large, white banner affixed to the tent, resplendent with its display of rainbow-colored musical notes, proclaimed the organization to be “One Voice Chorus,” and in my excitement, I forgot to be self-conscious. I sang in high school and college and music had always been a part of my life, but since returning to Charlotte from a brief stint with Teach for America, I had had no luck in finding an outlet for my love of vocal performance. The women working the booth had been kind, quick to answer my questions: yes, One Voice is a local choir; no, you don’t have to audition; yes, everyone’s welcome; no, you don’t have to be gay to sing with us, we’re an LGBTQIA and allies chorus; yes, you are more than welcome to come out to one our rehearsals and see how you like it.

I signed up for their newsletter, and a few weeks later attended a social gathering at Petra’s Bar in Plaza Midwood where I was welcomed with open arms and encouraged to come out for rehearsals in the fall. I have been a member of OVC ever since, and the community of loving, accepting, talented individuals I have found there is beyond anything I could have ever hoped for or imagined.

After attending that first Pride event in 2013, I also became an active member of PFLAG Charlotte. For those unfamiliar, PFLAG is a national organization that was founded in 1973 as a support, advocacy, and education group that works in cities across the country to promote the cause of equality for the LGBT+ community. Originally an acronym for “Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays,” PFLAG has grown with the needs of the community to embrace all sexual and gender identities. My friend Jenny encouraged me to join, and together, we would go on to become board members despite the fact that neither of us have children ourselves. We are both teachers, however, and working alongside the parents, family, and friends of queer folks in the Charlotte community has, perhaps, been the single most influential factor in my growth as an educator these past five years.

It was at Pride 2016 that I bought my first asexual pride flag. I discovered the identity earlier that year in the manner of typical queer millennials: through the Internet, specifically the social media platform Tumblr. As someone who had despaired of ever being “normal,” learning that there were other people in the world who didn’t experience sexual attraction was nothing short of miraculous. It became my little secret, a small flame I kept alive within me to bring me hope in those hours when I was feeling most vulnerable. It wasn’t until Charlotte Pride 2016 that I felt comfortable enough to don the colors of the ace pride flag (purple, black, grey, and white) and march alongside my PFLAG family not only as a devoted ally but as a member of the LGBT+ community, confident in my place therein and proud to be able to display it for all the world (or at least, all of downtown Charlotte) to see.

Every August, I drive uptown in the sweltering heat of late summer, park my car in a metered lot, and join the hundreds of parade participants lining up with their multicolored floats and their hand-painted signs. I walk five, six, ten blocks to join my PFLAG family, and as I walk, I wave at the dozens of young people flocking to the Time Out Youth float who wave their pride flags like batons as the sun sets the glitter on their cheeks to sparkling; I grin at the Rocky Horror Picture Show shadow cast in their fishnet stockings and waist-shrinking corsets as they touch up their makeup on the crowded sidewalk; and I always, without fail, find myself wiping away tears at the scores of local church members who have gathered with their signs of love and acceptance in spite of the South’s long and bitter battle against LGBT rights.

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Image: Members of PFLAG Charlotte prepare to march in the annual Pride parade

I take my place next to the PFLAG float, greeting old friends and new, and despite the heat and the crowds and the noise, I cannot keep a smile off my face. We march together through downtown Charlotte past thousands of people who have risen early on a Sunday to show their support for the dozens of LGBT-affirming organizations that call this city home. There are always a few protesters, but their numbers grow blessedly smaller as the years march on. More numerous by far are the young people who run out from the crowd to embrace our PFLAG members who proudly carry their “FREE MOM/DAD HUGS” signs as we pass, the families standing together in solidarity, the parents who hoist their little ones onto their shoulders so they can see the parade, and the elderly members of the LGBT+ community who stand on the sidelines with quiet smiles, hands on their hearts as they mouth the words “thank you” to the marchers as they walk, dance, and cartwheel past.

This, for me, is the legacy of Charlotte Pride. The future for the queer community is uncertain even now, even in 2019, but when the political landscape seems bleakest and the news of transgender women of color being murdered with alarming regularity seems almost too much to bear, this festival remains a beacon of hope. It is a celebration of identity, a call to action, a cry in the dark that change is coming and that the struggles of our forebears will not be in vain.

May it remain so for many years to come.

 

Works Cited

Canaday, Margot. “We Colonials: Sodomy Laws in America.” The Nation, The Nation Company LLC, 29 June 2015, http://www.thenation.com/article/we-colonials-sodomy-laws-america/.

“Disasters.” NYCdata: Stonewall Inn Riot – 1969, The Weissman Center For International Business (WCIB) At Baruch College/CUNY 2018, http://www.baruch.cuny.edu/nycdata/disasters/riots-stonewall.html.“LGBTQ History Month:

The Early Days of America’s AIDS Crisis.” NBCNews.com, NBCUniversal News Group, http://www.nbcnews.com/feature/nbc-out/lgbtq-history-month-early-days-america-s-aids-crisis-n919701.

Donald Trump.” GLAAD, 17 June 2019, http://www.glaad.org/tap/donald-trump.

“History.” Charlotte Pride, charlottepride.org/about/cphistory/.

Koch, Edward I. “Senator Helms’s Callousness Toward AIDS Victims.” The New York Times, The New York Times, 7 Nov. 1987, http://www.nytimes.com/1987/11/07/opinion/senator-helms-s-callousness-toward-aids-victims.html.

“LGBT Rights Milestones Fast Facts.” CNN, Cable News Network, 1 Apr. 2019, http://www.cnn.com/2015/06/19/us/lgbt-rights-milestones-fast-facts/index.html.

#TeamPregnantDad

Looking for an incredible story to herald in the start of the weekend? #TeamPregnantDad may just be the series for you!
 
In the #TeamPregnantDad docuseries, Liam Johns (a local trans man) and husband Duane Danielson challenge one of society’s most ingrained assumptions — that only women give birth. The Charlotte Observer followed the year-long journey of Liam’s pregnancy to fatherhood: this series if the culmination of that year.
 
You can watch “Chapter One” at https://www.charlotteobserver.com/news/special-reports/article228875624.html. Subsequent installments can be found on the same page.
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“Why I’m an LGBTQ Ally,” a guest post by Jim Anderson

I was asked recently why I’m an LGBTQ ally. Here’s what I said:

I am an ally because I love my daughter more than I love my dogma*.

The youngest of our four daughters, Kat, came out as gay to my wife and me around 2001 when she was 15 years old. At the time, we were very committed, very conservative Christians, and to say that this was uncomfortable would be a huge understatement. We were devastated!

Our first thought was that we needed to correct this problem. I got lots of literature from a group that was committed to fighting the “gay agenda,” and we sent her to counselors who we hoped could “fix” her. I am not proud of that initial response, but it was motivated by love and was the best response we could manage at that time.

After much anguish, I realized that if she were ever going to change, it would not be in a pressured environment. I decided that the best thing I could do would be to accept that this is who she is instead of trying to change her. In this way, I hoped that she would be able to see her own brokenness and begin to change back to the girl that we knew.

I was partly right. When we stopped trying to change her, she did stop fighting us. However, it was we, not Kat, who changed. Her confidence in who she was remained constant. Everything about her said unequivocally, “This is who I am, and it has nothing to do with you.” We had convinced ourselves that if she were gay, it reflected badly on our parenting. Much of our journey was coming to understand that it was not “our fault.”

The first part of our journey was accepting Kat. The last leg of our journey was embracing her exactly as she was and acknowledging that there was no “fault” with which to be concerned. The reward was realizing that she was still the same wonderful woman we always knew.

Sadly, in 2011, Kat was struck by a very rare cancer which she fought bravely for a year and a half. We lost her on September 23, 2012. It is still hard to write those words. Three years ago (at the suggestion of our wonderful grief counselor), my wife and I joined PFLAG to help us focus our grief in a way that helps us and helps others. Each time I attend a meeting, I am inspired by the love and raw courage of the folks who show up looking for support.

Many from our former community think that we have been deceived and have “gone off the deep end.” We have jumped into the deep end of the pool, that’s for sure. However, what I have found in the “deep end” are people who are deeply and utterly full of love and pain, people who are too busy loving their LGBTQ family to pretend that they have their lives together, and real people who just want a friend.

This is the community I have longed for my whole life!
* Some folks are offended by this word, dogma. Here’s what I mean… My religious faith dictated to me that homosexuality was a sinful abomination. That dogmatic declaration stood between me and loving my daughter well. I chose to love my daughter regardless of what my faith dictated, but over time, I became an ally for the LGBTQ community because I just don’t believe it is true. For me it was a dogma and that is why I say, “I loved my daughter more than I loved my dogma”.



Jim Anderson is a proud, long-time PFLAG member who has his own blog at http://www.jimazing.com. Visit and subscribe today!

Girls Rock strives to provide musical empowerment for all

When Kelly Finley founded the Charlotte chapter of Girls Rock, she knew that it was going to be something special. Her own daughter had attended a Girls Rock camp in Chapel Hill, and when she saw what a profound impact it had had on her, she knew that she needed to bring that experience to her hometown.

A camp for girls and gender non-conforming youth to explore new talents and celebrate the power of diversity and equality through music, Girls Rock is part of a nationwide program that works to “amplify the confidence and voice of ALL girls and women.” The organization is inclusive of all gender-diverse individuals and all “girl-identified people,” and as such, they serve a population that often gets ignored and rarely receives the recognition it deserves.

“We still have an emerging music scene,” Finley says of Charlotte, “and it’s really hard to find women and queer and trans musicians who can volunteer and help us out, which is why we’re always looking around and hunting for folks [to participate in and volunteer at the camp].”

Girls Rock Charlotte is an annual, week-long summer camp that brings together young people between the ages of 8 to 12 the week of June 25. Many of the campers arrive never having played an instrument, and so spend their first day exploring options like electric guitar, bass, keys, drums, and vocals. By lunch on the first day, they choose their top 3 instruments and the counselors assign them to their instruments and begin working with them to form a band with their peers. Over the course of the week, they take music lessons, learn to write songs, rehearse with their band, and ultimately perform in a final show for parents and friends.

For youth who “age out” of the program or who want to continue the experience they had as pre-teens, there is a teen camp for youth aged 12 to 16 offered later in the summer (August 6-11). Girls Rock Charlotte is also starting a film camp this year for teens age 14 to 18 that will take place the same week

“One of our core values is economic accessibility,” says Finley. “I know a lot of families that cannot commit to more than one week of taking their kid back and forth to camp, so we try to have our hours accessible and to create a program with a  time frame that’s feasible.”

That accessibility is important to Finley who believes in the mission of Girls Rock and wants to make it available for as many young people as possible. Finley, a professor of Women’s and Gender Studies at the University of North Carolina at Charlotte, has always challenged the dictates of gender. She’s a parent, too, and many of her university students identify as queer.

“We felt really passionate about having programs that don’t just accept but that celebrate and advocate for queer youth and adults,” Finley says.

PFLAG is proud to have a relationship with Finley and Girls Rock. A number of PFLAG families have participated in Girls Rock since its inception in 2014, and as an organization, we are pleased to associate with an organization that is so dedicated to providing a “positive and affirming environment where campers talk about gender identity, social justice, and gender equality while celebrating safe spaces with adults who care about them.”

If you and your child missed out on registering for Girls Rock this year, no fear! You can show your love for Girls Rock by coming out to Spirit Square on Friday, June 1st, for “Sounds on the Square,” a free event that will include former Girls Rock campers performing original and cover songs. And if that piques your interest, consider contacting Kelly Finley at girlsrockclt@gmail.com about camp openings and future volunteer opportunities.

“Let Me Tell You About My Transgender Daughter” — Guest Post by Peggy Geiger

I recently finished sorting through the holiday “brag” letters we received from friends and family. We read about adult children with successful careers and grandchildren who are incredibly talented and intelligent. I used to write such holiday letters, but news about our adult daughter is no longer so upbeat.  In my holiday letter this year, I wrote that D filled in as a k-jay for karaoke night at a gay bar.

D came out as a transgender woman in her mid-20’s. Facing a gender identity crisis threw her life into turmoil. She took a leave of absence from school and eventually decided not to return. The crisis freed her from a path chosen while she was still trying to conform to societal expectations of a young male. The crisis blocked any clear forward path.

D’s journey has been challenging. As parents, we’ve experienced heart wrenching sorrow and concern. We accept D as she is, but she struggles with anxiety and depression that, at times are crippling. Trans-people face enormous obstacles in finding employment, housing, as well as good physical and mental health care.  D is subject to everything from intrusive stares to rude comments to physical violence. Then there’s the growing movement on the local, state, and federal levels to deny fundamental rights and privileges to LGBTQ people, so there is little to no legal recourse against discrimination or violence.

Success means more than just what a person accomplishes; it also involves who the person is. So let me brag about my beautiful daughter. She’s committed to social justice. She started a tailoring business to alter clothes for people who are transgender and have difficulty finding clothes that fit their bodies. At first she couldn’t support herself on what she earned because she charged only what people could afford. When she is able, she volunteers for the national trans-suicide hot line. She marches in pride parades and participates in Black Lives Matter rallies.  

Since D came out, my husband and I have tried to be supportive. We can be like blundering elephants in our efforts. This is uncharted territory. We’ve read a variety of books and found PFLAG to be helpful. When people are curious about D, we respond openly and honestly, trying to subtly educate with the hope of gradually removing the stigma of being transgender.

I love D and want her to be happy with herself and her life. There’s nothing she can do that will make me stop loving her. Being transgender is not a choice; it is a matter of self –acceptance, a process that can be both difficult and rewarding. D’s life may be unconventional to some, but it is genuine, and we are so proud of her.

Calling all parents of school-age children!

Jordan Frederick, our social media coordinator, is conducting a survey for a piece of writing on LGBTQIA+ advocacy in the classroom, and she needs your help!

If you have a child in pre-K through 12th grade and can spare 10 minutes, please go to https://goo.gl/forms/WEfAxAoesuVhBoQR2 and complete the form there.

All responses will be used anonymously unless you indicate otherwise. And please — if you can, share the link with friends who also have children! She is not collecting information from parents of home-schooled children at this time.

Thank you in advance for your help and participation!

From Fear and Denial to Acceptance and Beyond: A Guest Blog Post by Karen Graci

When our 15-year-old child came out as transgender almost three years ago, I didn’t know that transgender individuals experience higher rates of verbal harassment, physical assault, poverty, and unemployment. 1 I didn’t know that transgender youth experience higher rates of depression and anxiety. 2 I didn’t know that 40% of transgender adults had attempted suicide.  I didn’t know that 74% of those first suicide attempts were at age 17 or younger. 1 I didn’t know that 40% of homeless youth in our country identify as LGBTQ. 3 I didn’t know any of this.  And I was petrified.

I had never knowingly met a transgender person.  I believed our child might be the only transgender teen in Charlotte (she’s not), or maybe even in North Carolina. I was scared.  I was scared for her life.  I was scared for her future.  And I was scared for our family of four. I worried how our friends would react.  I worried whether her school would be supportive. I worried that our family would be judged. I worried about whether I’d be comfortable going back to our church. I worried about how grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins would react. I worried about finding the right health care providers to support both our child and our family. But mostly, I longed for the day when our child would grow to truly accept herself and the beautiful person she is—inside and out.

Five months into our journey, we found PFLAG.  At our first meeting, my husband and I learned we were not alone.  Parents, friends and allies of the LGBTQ community surrounded us.  We discovered a judgment free safe space filled with open minds, open hearts, and rainbows.  Yes, there were (and are) tears shed, but there were also lots of smiles shared and laughs exchanged.  PFLAG is a community that continues to support us, educate us, and share resources with us, and we have embraced all that PFLAG Charlotte has to offer.

A year ago, I was invited to be a part of PFLAG’s Healthcare Outreach Initiative. What began two years ago as a project to develop a gender information brochure for healthcare providers and parents of transgender and gender nonconforming children ultimately resulted in a partnership with the Mecklenburg County Medical Society (MCMS). Through this collaboration, our PFLAG Healthcare Outreach Team of seven parent volunteers has worked with MCMS and two of North Carolina’s largest hospital systems to present to hundreds of pediatric, family medical, OB/GYN, behavioral health providers, medical residents, nurses and office staff.

During our one-hour workshops, we share our family stories, we provide information and data, and we strive to heighten awareness on how to be an affirming and inclusive provider.  We conclude with a conversation about a wide range of resources available to healthcare providers and LGBTQ patients and families, including the Charlotte Transgender Healthcare Group (www.cthcg.org), Time Out Youth (www.timeoutyouth.org), Transcend Charlotte (www.transcendcharlotte.org) and, of course, PFLAG (www.pflagcharlotte.org).

When I share our family story in a workshop, I often reflect back on the worries I had early on.  How did our friends react?  For the most part, they were overwhelmingly supportive.  They had (and probably still have) lots of questions.  That’s okay; we’re happy to answer them.  Were we judged?  Perhaps.  Did we lose any friends?  A few.  Have we gone back to our church?  No.  We’re still struggling with that.  How did our extended family react?  They were, and are, awesome.  What about school?  We’re thankful for an Upper School Director and a guidance counselor who are travelling the journey with us every step of the way, and for faculty who value and support each individual student for who they are.

How is our child?  She’s 18 now, and like most 18 year olds (and 55 year olds), she struggles with finding her place in the world.  Her writing blows me away; I admire her depth of appreciation for music and poetry and knowledge in all its forms; and she has slowly begun to share her story in hopes of making the path a bit smoother for those gender nonconforming and transgender youth who will follow.  She’s looking forward to heading to college in August.  Most importantly, she is living her life as the person she has always known herself to be.  What more can a parent hope for?

Yes, I still worry; don’t we all?  Yet the worries have evolved and our family of four feels whole again.  The fears have been replaced with hope, love, awe and gratitude for our children’s strength and for our family’s transition.  We’ve learned gender is a spectrum.  We’ve learned that being transgender or gender nonconforming is not a choice. And we’ve learned how much we don’t know—and that has been the best gift of all.

Research demonstrates that supporting transgender youth in their gender identity can “virtually eliminate higher rates of depression and low self-worth”. 4 This life-saving support for transgender youth needs to come from home, from school, and from the community.  That is how we change the scary statistics.  And that is why I believe tomorrow can, and will, be better.  Our world can always do more when it comes to understanding, acceptance, and inclusion.

Like many of you, I’ve learned when your life goes off-script, it’s not always easy, but it’s those twists and turns that often make our time here that much more meaningful. If you’re interested in learning more about PFLAG or in working with us to create a workshop for your organization, your faith community, your school administrators and faculty, your PTA, or your book group, please email us at pflagcharlotte@gmail.com. We welcome the opportunity to meet you where you are and, together, we can build a bridge to a better tomorrow for all our youth.

 

 


James, S. E., Herman, J. L., Rankin, S., Keisling, M., Mottet, L., & Anafi, M. (2016). The Report of the 2015 U.S. Transgender Survey. Washington, DC: National Center for Transgender Equality.

2 Reisner, Sari L. et al. Mental Health of Transgender Youth in Care at an Adolescent Urban Community Health Center: A Matched Retrospective Cohort StudyJ Adolesc Health. 2015;56:274 – 279.

3 Durso, L.E., & Gates, G.J. (2012). Serving Our Youth: Findings from a National Survey of Service Providers Working with Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Youth who are Homeless or At Risk of Becoming Homeless. Los Angeles: The Williams Institute with True Colors Fund and The Palette Fund.

4 Transgender Youth: The Building Evidence Base for Early Social Transition. Turban, Jack L. Journal of the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry , Volume 56 , Issue 2 , 101 – 102

“My Journey of Love and Acceptance” – a guest post from chapter president Ashley Nurkin

It was the winter of 2015. Our then 6 year old “son” was riding in the backseat of the car, and  said to me in a quiet yet desperate voice, “Mom, I want to be a girl all the time.” While I was calm and collected on the outside, I was panicking and doing everything I could to hold the back tears.

In retrospect, this should not have been a surprise. The signs had been there for years. By then, “T” had a closet full of “girl clothes,” only played with girls, was dying to grow “his” hair long, and loved all things princess and Barbie. We had been seeing a therapist who confirmed that “T” was on the gender non-conforming spectrum but who also said that “T” was too young at this point to predict how gender identity was ultimately going to shake out.

While hearing “I want to be a girl all the time” was not entirely a shock to us, it was still pretty shocking because it felt like the final piece of a puzzle being put in place. When “T” finally told us “this is who I am – I am not a boy, I am a girl,” our journey raising a transgender daughter began.

At first, I felt very isolated and completely overwhelmed by fear. Fear of our community not accepting our child, fear of T’s friends not accepting her for her authentic self. Fear of losing my friends and my family — what would they think when I told them that we don’t have a boy but a transgender girl? My biggest fear, however, was for my child’s safety and well-being. Early on, I’d learned that for a transgender person, bullying and harassment are often not a matter of “if” but “when.” Would she be strong and confident enough to hold her head high in the face bullying and harassment?

There were days when I was mad: why is this happening to us? I was envious of my friends whose biggest concerns were whether their children cleaned their rooms or which clothes their child wanted to wear to school that day. Did they have any idea what our family was going through?

As days became weeks and weeks became months, we slowly realized that the fundamental choice we were making was to support our child simply being herself, and our family slowly began to feel “normal” again.  Pronouns changed, our friends were supportive, and our family rallied around our daughter. Our child was thriving. We were going to make it.

We know that our journey has just begun. “T” is now 9. We have many years and many challenges ahead of us, and our family will continue to love, support, and advocate for our child.

There are still days that I get sad. The world can be unforgiving, and when I think about bigotry and discrimination and how cruel people can be, it makes me sad for the challenges “T” will face as she gets older.  I think about that a lot.

I’m not sad, however, that I have a transgender daughter (in fact, quite the opposite). This journey has taught our family invaluable lessons about equality, bravery, empathy, and the simple power of loving unconditionally. “T” has taught us that living your authentic life is living your best life.

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Do you have a story that you would like to share? We’re looking for guest authors, and we would love to hear from you! E-mail pflagcharlotte@gmail.com with your idea for a blog post, and we’ll get back to you ASAP.

A note from our President (no, not that one)

Hey PFLAG’ers,

We need your help! CMS will be voting on their multiculturalism policy updates tomorrow evening at the school board meeting. These updates will include adding language that supports students regardless of their sexual orientation, gender identity and gender expression. I am encouraging each of you to call your school board representative or a school board representative telling them you are in SUPPORT of these updates!
Our school board needs to hear from you!

Unfortunately, there will be a group showing up to the school board meeting on Tuesday evening strongly opposing any of the proposed updates. Let’s show CMS that we want these updates, and thank them for including ALL students!

Warm Regards,

Ashley Nurkin
Mary McCray (Chairperson At-Large) – mart.mccray@cms.k12.nc.us, 704-281-6074
Rhonda Lennon, Vice-Chair (District 1) – rhonda.lennon@cms.k12.nc.us, 980-231-1465
Elyse Dashew (At-Large) – elysec.dashew@cms.k12.nc.us, 704-659-6994
Ericka Ellis-Stewart (At-Large) – ericka.ellis-stewart@cms.k12.nc.us, 704-412-8565
Thelma Byers-Bailey (District 2) – thelmab.bailey@cms.k12.nc.us, 980-272-1943
Ruby Jones (District 3) – rubymjones@cms.k12.nc.us, 704-579-1763
Carol Sawyer (District 4) – carole.sawyer@cms.k12.nc.us, 980-292-0554
Margaret Marshall (District 5) – margarets.marshall@cms.k12.nc.us, 980-343-1837
Sean Strain (District 6) – seanc.strain@cms.k12.nc.us, 980-343-5139